Lessons from a Quarter

.25 cents. Who would think God's lesson could come from a quarter? It happened to me today.

A little background first, I have been in recovery from my compulsive, controlling, out of control, no boundaries in relationship's life for 10 weeks now. Many days, it feels like work. It feels like very difficult work. It has been a battle to go to church on Sunday. The guilt and shame are very strong in my life. However, I am committed to the process. I have celebrated 2 months of financial sobriety as well. God is working in me even as I don't "feel it" or see it evidenced immediately.

Now, back to the quarter. Wednesday, I sat with a family to have a discussion. One of the individuals had to leave toward the end of the meeting and when they got up from their seat, there it was. In the chair that the person just stood up from was a shiny quarter. I noticed it almost immediately during the conversation. After a few minutes and when I noticed it a second time, I said to the other person, "they dropped a quarter in their chair." This was a big step for me. I verbalized and recognized that the quarter did not belong to me and I was making sure someone else knew.
When we finished talking, I went over and picked up the quarter handing it to the person. That's it. Seems very simple until I met with my sponsor yesterday. We celebrated a quarter! A recognition in a small thing of part of my recovery. Recognizing that I have boundaries that are good and healthy.

It makes me smile to think about that .25 cents.

secrets and hurts

I have lived most of my life in a catch 22. I have deep hurts from things I have never told anyone but I am afraid to tell anyone for fear of perception or rejection.
I am letting out one of those secrets today. As a child, I spent a vast amount of time at the doctor's office. Having test run or blood drawn can be traumatic but after enough times, I guess I became callous to it. Not until later in life did I find out that I WASN'T sick all those times. My mother would come up with different ailments or symptoms to have the doctor prescribe some shot or antibiotic to "make it better." What kind of person does that to their child? The kind of person who is afraid to let people in to see the real them and fears rejection and perception. Sounds like me. I have resented this for so many years but even in typing this, my heart softens to see the pain that she must have been in and to understand even if only a glimpse of what her struggle was like.
With this revelation though I realize that I have been keeping me "sick" for a while. With keeping people at arm's length or refusing accountability, I have imposed unhealthiness on my life. Thanks for letting me share.

Labor Day 2009

As I look back on my life and ask God to uncover the roots of my wayward heart, He showed me today that I have had a dark place of bitterness and envy for most of my life. I have resented others for what they have and what it seems like their life is, whether success, fame, recognition, opportunity, or happiness.
One of the sources of my resentment is the belief that I am unlovable. How could anybody love me? The depravity of my thoughts, my manipulation, and a selfish heart are hard for someone to overlook when they are trying to love you.
I am a person who has lived in fear. I have tried to seize control when things feel chaotic and somehow make it right with my own efforts. The problem there is I am undisciplined and have rejected the opportunity of accountability because I feared the rejection if someone knew the truth of who I was.
I have a very difficult time accepting that someone could truly love me.

change must happen

I have always been willing to ask God for forgiveness for most of my sins but He is showing me that I have never been willing to allow Him to make necessary changes in my character and heart.