As I look back on my life and ask God to uncover the roots of my wayward heart, He showed me today that I have had a dark place of bitterness and envy for most of my life. I have resented others for what they have and what it seems like their life is, whether success, fame, recognition, opportunity, or happiness.
One of the sources of my resentment is the belief that I am unlovable. How could anybody love me? The depravity of my thoughts, my manipulation, and a selfish heart are hard for someone to overlook when they are trying to love you.
I am a person who has lived in fear. I have tried to seize control when things feel chaotic and somehow make it right with my own efforts. The problem there is I am undisciplined and have rejected the opportunity of accountability because I feared the rejection if someone knew the truth of who I was.
I have a very difficult time accepting that someone could truly love me.
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