secrets and hurts

I have lived most of my life in a catch 22. I have deep hurts from things I have never told anyone but I am afraid to tell anyone for fear of perception or rejection.
I am letting out one of those secrets today. As a child, I spent a vast amount of time at the doctor's office. Having test run or blood drawn can be traumatic but after enough times, I guess I became callous to it. Not until later in life did I find out that I WASN'T sick all those times. My mother would come up with different ailments or symptoms to have the doctor prescribe some shot or antibiotic to "make it better." What kind of person does that to their child? The kind of person who is afraid to let people in to see the real them and fears rejection and perception. Sounds like me. I have resented this for so many years but even in typing this, my heart softens to see the pain that she must have been in and to understand even if only a glimpse of what her struggle was like.
With this revelation though I realize that I have been keeping me "sick" for a while. With keeping people at arm's length or refusing accountability, I have imposed unhealthiness on my life. Thanks for letting me share.